God's Protection

The Lord promises to protect us in many verses throughout the Bible.  I didn’t understand that this could mean protection from myself, nor did I understand the great lengths to which He would go to fulfill His promises.  Not that I was actively testing this promise, it’s just something I realized while reflecting upon some recent events.  I now better understand the phrase, “fear of the Lord.”  When God sets about to do something, or to guard what is His, He will use any means necessary to accomplish His goal; and rightly so, because it all belongs to Him anyway;  everything and every person.  This is both a comforting thought and terrifying reality.  Not that I’m afraid of God; nothing could be further from the truth.  But I now realize how closely guarded I am and how He has been faithfully answering a prayer I uttered a couple of years ago asking for “protection.”  In fact, He had to recently remind me of that prayer and of the circumstances that caused me to ask Him for it.  I was in a good place and wanting to please Him in all things and so when I noticed a potential problem brewing, I had quickly gone to Him, asking Him to “keep me and protect me.”

Since praying that prayer, I tried several times to take it back.  I tried to reassure Him that I could handle things on my own and that I was over needing His protection in certain areas of my life, but that it would be alright if He wanted to keep protecting me in areas like preventing me from getting robbed, or my business from failing, or keeping the boys safe in their activities, but that there were other areas that I would just take back and keep under my control.  He sure doesn’t roll like that, does He?  Every plot, scheme or action I thought I would or could take, came to nothing.  Some of them so obviously foiled by Him that at times I would get mad at Him; other times I would be grateful.”  But honestly, mostly I’ve been frustrated.  Frustrated that things weren’t going the way I wanted; things I have no control over and never will.  But recently, I was broken . . . broken by self-perpetuated disappointment.  I surrendered.  Amazingly; even just writing that causes me pain, I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach and have to swallow hard not to tear up.  Surrender is difficult and sad; it feels like loss; but it is also immensely freeing.  I feel like a space has been opened up somewhere inside of me - space to make room for something else; something more lovely, more pure . . . something God can use.

And so, I realize how foolish I’ve been, but how He has protected me in my time of weakness.  How fortunate that I have a God that is faithful to His word and to His promises even when we are telling Him “no, not in this area” or “later, Lord, just not now.”  So, I’m not sure what this blog sounds like, but it is meant as praise . . . praise for His faithfulness; praise for His protection; praise that He will continue to guide me along this journey He has invited me on.  Praise for how hard it is along this road; praise that He is with me every step of the way; and praise that He is waiting for me at the end of it.

Sick and Psalms

I've been sick most of this week.  When I'm sick I read a lot (more) . . . today I found some of the Psalms I wrote and wanted to post this one because it still speaks to me. 

You have stirred my soul; my desire is to know you more

Lord, you see my struggles and my weaknesses, and you strengthen me

You remind me that I’m yours and not my own

You reach for me and pull me closer; my thoughts dwell on you

Lord, no one desires me like you do; you alone can satisfy my soul

You have given me all I need; I am satisfied and will not long for more

Nothing else I could desire compares with you

You have proven yourself faithful and have kept me from falling

You are my God, and I am yours

Pull me even closer Lord until every breath I breathe is filled with your Spirit

Resistance

Resistance:

I’ve been in this mode for a couple of years now; maybe longer . . . I’ve lost track.  I think the fact that I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been resisting is a good sign; maybe that means it’s getting easier.  I was thinking back and trying to remember when I realized I needed to resist some things and it occurred to me that although it has been a long time since I first began my resistance journey, it has been done one day at a time.  I sometimes allowed myself to think, “Maybe tomorrow or next time I will do that, say this, eat that, or laze around instead of being active, or work longer hours, or finish that before spending time with my boys.” 

I’ve discovered that I have matured to the point in my life that I know instinctively what I should resist.  However, I also realize I haven’t matured enough that I can easily let go of the desire or craving I’m experiencing.   I want desperately NOT to want the things that I know aren’t good for me and to desire those that are.  I’m reminded of Paul’s struggle in Romans 7:15 “. . . For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  For me, while I’ve been able to resist the “big” things, I constantly pray that I will be released from even the desire for those things.  I ask God, “Wouldn’t it just be easier for everyone (especially me) if I just didn’t want those things?”  But then I refuse to let go.  I refuse to release the very thing that is causing this struggle in me.  Why? because the thought of having it brings me great pleasure.  My revised version of Paul’s lament then would be, “For what I want to desire I don’t, and what I do Not want to desire, I do.”

So far, I have learned that the problem is within me.  It isn’t the thing I want, it isn’t the other person, it isn’t the lack of time, and it isn’t even the devil.  I’ve also learned that resisting takes an inordinate amount of energy, time and thought.  It requires tons of prayer.  I’ve never prayed more; sought to know and understand God’s word more; and sought to be with God’s people more than since I started my resistance struggle. 

Today, I don’t have any regrets for “missing out” on the things I resisted; in fact I’m thankful for not having given into them.  Even though I derived temporary pleasure from eating that donut, sitting on the couch instead of exercising or working too many hours, I always regretted doing those things later.  Let me say it again, I don’t regret having resisted any of those “temptations.” 

As far as I’ve come, however, I realize that I have a longer road to travel.  I don’t know why God is requiring me to go through these daily struggles.  But I know from my history with Him that He has a purpose and I’ll be stronger on the other end.  Not so long ago, I would’ve given in to many of these same temptations and even regularly did (thus the need to lose 25 pounds).  But today, I’m 25 pounds lighter; my body is stronger than it has been in years; I've spent wonderful hours/days with my boys; I’ve discovered and read some amazing books by great theologians;  I’ve gained a deeper understand of scripture; I’ve met and have drawn closer to many Godly friends; and best of all, I’ve drawn closer to God.  Actually, He has drawn me closer to Himself.  He has carried me through each day.  He has whispered, “You can resist this today” when I was at my weakest.  While He hasn’t completely removed the “thorn in my flesh”, He has given me my daily dose of strength to resist it and I have come to expect that He will give me His strength tomorrow.