Touch

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about human touch.  That God made us such sensual beings has always amazed me, but sometimes I go through periods in my life when I take for granted some of His most profound yet simple gifts such as touch; maybe because it is such a daily experience for me at this point in my life.  But recently, I was reminded (and very much appreciated) the incredible pleasure derived from a “simple” human touch. And so, I'm dwelling on what is behind that sensation . . . 

My youngest son is 10 and still has the smoothest, silky, baby face.   His plump cheeks are often a beautiful shade of pink and when I run my fingers over them he looks at me with a soft smile that says, “I love you too.”  He can hear in my touch the sentiment, that when expressed with mere words, sometimes sounds trite.   My oldest son has thick, lush hair; occasionally (he is 15, so not often), when I sense he is stressed or tense, I will run my fingers through his hair.  When I do, I can feel him relax; he’ll often close his eyes.  After a few minutes, when he opens them again, there is a calmness in them that wasn’t there before; a smile that isn’t on his lips and often I think I see a new flare of gold in those hazel gems that wasn’t there before.

I find that a touch can communicate feelings I’m not able to put into words; even more, give away feelings I didn’t intend to share.  When I first started dating Don (my husband), I wanted to touch him all the time; hold his hand, stroke his hair, sit close to him.  It overwhelmed him until he came to understand and appreciate that I communicate my feelings through touch. 

For me, life’s fondest memories involve a touch; my Mother’s comforting embrace when I was sick or hurt; the security of holding my sister’s hand as she walked me to school; the bittersweet good-bye kiss on my Grandmother’s worn cheek; the warmth of my husband’s hand the first time he touched me; the divine pleasure of holding my sons for the first time.  When I touch someone I care about, an energy flows out of me; an unspoken communication takes place that occasionally leaves me breathless and always leaves me appreciating the One who created such a pleasure; such a gift as the human touch.

What I Want

When I’m in the midst of a struggle, I find it difficult to trust my motives.  I know I tend to “over think” things most of the time, but I also know myself; I’m very good at convincing myself (and others) that I’m doing things for the “right" reasons only to discover later (often much to my surprise) that I wasn’t doing that at all.  So, when I’ve got something on my mind, something I want; I have to treat myself like another person – sounds a bit schizophrenic, I know, but it works.  So, why did I really do that?  Or why do I really want to go there?  You get the idea.  And it works most of the time – in fact I realize I can be quite clever when I’m being "bad."

Wanting to do the right thing is usually not enough for me.  I need to think about a negative consequence that may result and I need to play it over and over again in my mind.  Lately I’ve been beating myself up about allowing a struggle to linger in my mind; “allow” isn’t the right word really, I more than allow this struggle to invade my thoughts, I invite it in and make it very comfortable.  I play it and rewind it and play it again and again.  But today I’m giving myself a break.  Not because I’ve overcome this struggle – it’s going to take me a long time to remove this wrong idea – this “want” from my life, but I’m giving myself a break because today I’m allowing the grace of God to cover me.  To accept the fact that I’m not perfect but God loves me anyway.  It’s a simple truth that I’ve heard since I first became a Christian, and I even thought I understood the concept – I’ve studied it, dwelt upon it in the Bible, but today I’m able to claim it; to rest upon it.  I also realize (with some sadness) that God won’t allow me to have what I want if it is going to hurt me.  And although I’m disappointed about not getting what I want, I’m relieved that the God who loves me won’t allow me to have it because it would probably ruin me – and the one sure thing I can say I’ve learned at this point in my life is that although I don’t always get what I want, I trust the One who gives me everything I need.